Why I would suck at online dating

The concept of online dating has always intrigued me. I hitched my saddle to my husband’s pony before Match and eHarmony were even things, let alone Tinder and god knows whatever perverted shit there is on the market nowadays. 

Whenever I have a nightmare that my husband leaves me out of the blue, the first thing I think is, “Now I can finally try online dating!” Weird, right? I don’t even ask him why. I just accept it and get to work on creating my profile. 

Here is the raw, unfiltered truth of what dating me would be like:

Please note lack of upper lip.

User name: I like beer and boyfriends.

About me: I'm loud, annoying and always right. Even when I am wrong. I am a bleeding heart that will bring home strays (both animal and human) constantly. I love to cook. Sometimes. I like to drink. Most times. I run so I can eat what I want. I eat more than my running accounts for so there is some junk in my trunk (and frunk—can I make frunk a thing?).

Favorite Movie/Band/TV Show/Song/Color/Brand of toilet paper: Christmas Vacation, The Lumineers, Project Runway, Josh Turner Your Man, Green, Charmin

Six things I can't live without: 

Pandora, wine, running, my friends, my kids and my husband (is that weird since this is a dating site?).

What you're looking for: A woman with a take-charge attitude who can drink beer with the best of ‘em and make a lasagna like Paula Deen (minus the dash of racism). You want a girl with a wicked sense of humor who hasn’t missed a meal and doesn’t back down when confronted with a challenge. Otherwise known as a mouthy, southern bitch (minus the whole being-from-the-south thing).

Marital status: Well, I hope that if I am creating an online dating profile that it would be single. If not, I would probably search for a more specific website to cater to my swinger tendencies. I don’t want to waste my time courtin’ no better-than-though monogamists now, do I? Damn right I don’t.

Age: I stopped counting about 5 years ago. Around the same time I stopped keeping track of my weight. I think there might be a correlation…

Height and weight: Tallish. Getting wider/squishier by the minute (see age correlation above).

Body type: Is celery filled with mashed potatoes a body type? Because if so, that’s it. I have lanky limbs and a middle that resembles copious amounts of raw dough being contained in a rather unstable trash bag. Also, baby got back. Lots ‘o’ back. Sorry, I cannot lie.

Income: The question shouldn’t as much be about income but the amount of outcomes that I have. Target is a toothless slut that sings a siren song that I cannot resist. I have yet to meet a clearance end cap that I can wheel past without magnetically drawing half of the shelves’ contents into my cart.

Education: I went to college. I learned how to master the beer bong, puke and rally, find the cheapest food, tame unruly frat boys, and smoke without inhaling (cough, cough).

Occupation: Writer of words, wrangler of toddlers and maker of home. BOOM! It’s a three-fer.

Smoking/drinking/drugs: Yes, please. Except cigarettes, or crack, or Everclear, or heroin, or, hell, can I just have wine?

Children: No. I mean, I have kids that I generally tolerate pretty well most days, but I don’t want you to put any more in me and I for sure don’t want to create a whole Brady Bunch situation or anything. 

Pets: I have an obese cat who will cut you for a slice of turkey or a chocolate pudding cup. I have a rabbit, but all he really does is eat a lot and crap everywhere. I like dogs. If they aren’t annoying and don’t shed everywhere, hump legs, chew things or nudge my arm with their wet nose so I will keep petting them.

Medical issues: Hypothyroidism, acid reflux, PTSD and chronic depression. Sexy, right?

Sexual orientation: I’m a power bottom.

Likes: Wine, salt and vinegar chips, cake, picking my nose when I am alone, making sure things are lined up just the way I like them or else, seeing how long I can make it without showering, inviting people over on nights you want to just stay in and be alone.

Dislikes: Rascals Flatts, chest hair and black olives.

Who should message me: No one. I’m married you pervert!


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.