Co-sleeping is for Suckers

I have never been a co-sleeper. Not because I think there is anything wrong with it, but because I can't sleep with a child in my bed. At all. Like not even a wink.

Lately, The Quiet Contemplator has gotten into the habit of waking up early and coming into our bed. Not crazy early, mind you, but about a half hour before we all need to wake up. That would be about three hours before I want to wake up.

Here is how me and ADD Daddy sleep. Calm. Peaceful. Flowing with drool.

Then, around 5:30 a.m. every morning, I sense something staring at me in my sleep. Not at all creepy.

Now, let me make it clear that The Quiet Contemplator NEVER goes to ADD Daddy's side of the bed to wake him from a blissful night's sleep snuggle. EVER. Not because she loves him any less. No, I believe it is because she thinks that his side of the bed is where the spiders and evil live. Or not. Whatever.

  Anyway. Once The Quiet Contemplator has established that she is on the "safe" side of the bed, she slithers in next to me and proceeds to pass out while I lay wide awake, trying to will myself back to sleep.

Then, somehow, ALL of The Quiet Contemplator's hair ends up in my face. If I was anywhere near falling back to sleep, this makes me feel like there are spiders crawling all over me and wakes me back up.

Blissfully dozing by this point, The Contemplator wedges herself sideways in the bed, usually managing to kick me in both the boob AND the vagina at the same time. Bonus.

 Once deep into her REM sleep, The Contemplator dreams that she is a ninja and proceeds to kick and roll around like she is trying to escape from a pack of rabid bees.

It is around this point every morning that I lose my shit and tell her the get the fuck out of our bed and go watch cartoons. Or play with matches.

The end.

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