Nowadays, everyone calls 50 Shades of Grey "Mommy Porn". This got me thinking: what really turns mommies on? Yeah, some cheap, hot, sexy reading is great and all, but if you really want to get my mommy motor running, there are easier ways.
Such as saying:
You look like you had a hard day. Don't worry, I already made dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. Why don't you pour yourself a glass of wine and catch up on your Tivo while I give the kids a bath and put them to bed.
Daycare called and said they need 57 forms updated, the kids shot records and our DNA sequences. Don't worry, I already contacted the pediatrician's office, picked everything up, dropped it off at daycare and filed a duplicate copy for our records.
I was at the store today and thought we might be out of cat litter, diapers, toilet paper, laundry soap, glitter and hemorrhoid cream, so I picked some up just in case.
I noticed that cleaning the house and doing the laundry has gotten a little overwhelming for you so I went ahead and hired a maid to help you out. Oh, and just so you wouldn't feel uncomfortable, I got the wartiest and hairiest one they had.
I find it so sexy when you wear no make up and pajamas pants all day. It just reminds me how relaxed and laid back you are.
I finished the laundry, unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned the bathrooms. Is there anything else I can do to help around the house?
You looked like you could use a night away so I booked you a hotel suite and called all of your girlfriends to go out on the town. Why don't you go take a nice long bath and get ready while I take the kids to get haircuts?
They were offering flu shots at Target today so I went ahead and got me and the kids vaccinated. I also picked up your Xanax and a box of wine while I was there.
I am heading to the store to pick up some beer. Why don't you give me the grocery list and I will just get everything while I am out. Don't worry, I will call you if I have any questions on what brands to get or if I should get something in fat free or regular.
Did you read about that new study that says that women who keep on the baby weight are 10x more likely to have sex with Ryan Gosling than women who lose it all? I know, I thought it was really weird too.
So, Boozehounds, what domestic things could your husband say to make you all hot in the baby-making region?
The occasional "thank you for this wonderful dinner honey" and "why don't you go take a nap while I look after the kids" would do the trick.
ReplyDelete"Honey, dinner was fabulous! Thanks for emailing me the shopping list and recipe. It was much easier than it looked. So, what can I get you for dessert?"
ReplyDelete