A Goodbye from The Cool Cucumber

Today is one of The Cool Cucumber's favorite teacher's last day at his school. He has asked that I publish a letter from him to his favorite teacher to mark her passage from his life (hopefully not forever).


My Dearest Alyssa,

I can't believe you are doing this to me. After all that we have been through. You are a cruel, cruel woman. You know that you complete me and without you I will be nothing but a drooling, mess of a man (even more so than I already am).

Me, tomorrow. And every day after that.

Who will wipe my snail trails in your absence? Did you even think of that? That you leaving me would result in someone else getting all of the slimy kisses that I had until now reserved for you? Because they will. I will move on faster than Drew Peterson. This I promise you.

Will the kids you see at the vastly inferior places you visit via your new vocation put a bucket on their head and play the fool for you? I think not. Those neanderthals won't even be able to respond to their own names, let alone have the acting chops or the coordination that I do. And you know that, Alyssa. You know that.

Never again.

Remember when it was just you and me and Mary against the world? We had it all. Hugs, kisses, patty cake. And you ruined it. All for what, a few pennies? Does it make you feel like a big (wo)man abandoning a baby like that? My god, Alyssa. Did you ever even think about me? Did you?

You're dead to me now. Mary is my rock.

I even let you into my home. Let you sleep under my roof and play with my toys and this is how you repay me?

Little did I know this airplane would soon crash and burn.

I was faking it.

And you will never see this face again. You know what I am talking about...

I've got a secret...

But it's OK. I will survive. Mary is loyal and won't abandon me to die in the cold streets like you did. She's my new queen.

Alyssa who?

Oh, fuck it. I'm just trying to hide the truth.

DON'T LEAVE ME, ALYSSA! I love you. You are the (almond)milk to my Cheerios, the Kleenex to my constant runny nose, the woobie to my nap time. I can't live without you. Please don't go. I love you so.

I'll change. I will be a better man for you. I will pick up my toys and stop wiping my snot on you. I will take a nap every day and never leave the lid on the potty chair up. I will stand with you on a mountain and bathe with you in the sea or whatever other garbage that stupid ass band Savage Garden said. Whatever you want, just don't leave.

Oh, you're leaving anyway? Well then, call me.

XOXO

The H Man

I'll be waiting...