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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Confessional

Confession from Kristen at BeerCat Brewing:
Last Wednesday, we knew the Littlest Brewster wasn’t feeling well. I had had the stomach funk the previous weekend, so we figured she was coming down with something similar when she moped around all day and simply picked at her food.

It was my day to work late, so the DreadBrewer was in charge of bath and bedtime. I got home while they were in the bath and I could hear her giving him a hard time. Normally she loves bath time, but that night she was having no part in it. I helped DB get her lotioned up and in her PJs, kissed her good night, and off they went to her room for a bedtime bottle.

At this point, I thought, “You know? DB has been really great with the Littlest Brewster tonight. He deserves a treat.” So I changed into a pair of really tiny lace undies (and nothing else) and grabbed a stogie out of the humidor. I had some vague notion of lying there suggestively when DB came out of the Littlest Brewster’s room.

All of a sudden I hear, “Oh shit!! Kristen!!!!” I toss the cigar on the dresser and run into LB’s room to find…

DB and the Littlest Brewster absolutely covered in vomit. There is throw up everywhere. And she’s sobbing hysterically and reaching out for me.

So I grab her blanket and wrap her up in it before picking her up off his lap. (All the while, DB is looking at me like, “What the hell are you doing in here in nothing but your underwear?!?”) I’m patting her back and trying to calm her down while trying to figure out what to do next when…

The Littlest Brewster proceeds to projectile vomit all over me too.

Now, under normal circumstances, your clothes provide not only a level of protection between you and the vomit, but also serve to sort of “catch” it and keep it off the floor. Not so when you’re essentially naked.

I’m standing there, holding a screaming 15-month old, with upchuck just sliding down my body and onto the floor, next to my husband who is also covered in upchuck, and all I could think was, “What in God’s name am I supposed to do now?”

With as much dignity and grace as I could muster, I slogged from LB’s room, through our room and bathroom, and got us into the shower. Eventually everyone was cleaned up, toddlers were comforted and put to bed, and large pints of beer were poured for the understandably frazzled adults.

At which point the DreadBrewer looks at me and says, “Do we still get to have sex?” 


ILBAB says: First off, friend, you are one amazing fucking wife. I told this story to my husband and I don't think his brain got past the part of imagining a woman naked with a cigar. I mean, throwing your hubby a BJ every now and then is like an epic gesture when you are a parent, but your went all out and pulled a Lewinsky. 

Secondly, well, nothing. You are amazing. If I ever decide to let my husband take on another wife, you are first on my speed dial. I need a sister wife who can do all the heavy lifting in the bedroom and still sit back and enjoy a brewski with me after. Cheers, bitch.

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.  


Comments (17)

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Awesome. I love the optimism, my husband would have said it more like, "So I guess I don't get to have sex now." (and yes, it would be "I," now "we")
2 replies · active 627 weeks ago
In the long run, it is a good sign that your hubby stills WANTS to have sex with you after he saw you naked and covered in chuck. Ha!
Excellent point. (and that "now" was supposed to be a "not")
Love the story, and love your response! Hahaha!
My recent post Losing My Mind Over Lost Sleep
1 reply · active 627 weeks ago
It is the best story ever. Ha.
You are what we all should aspire to.....
My recent post Love now, civilize later.
1 reply · active 627 weeks ago
It must be love!
Finally my computer works and I can post a comment!

This will seriously go down as one of my funniest parenting stories ever. I still laugh out loud whenever I think about it.

Thanks for sharing it with an appreciative audience for me. :)
My recent post Poor Ethan
1 reply · active 627 weeks ago
Brilliant! Love it... I once tried the fancy undies route - sorta comical to sit around on the sofa and chat for a while... at least I tried?
My recent post Laundry routines
1 reply · active 627 weeks ago
I laughed so much I had to read it to my man who first said "see honey, why don't you do things like that?" about the sexy surprise. Then I read the rest and he said "eww..did they still have sex?"
LoL
Apparently if it happens to me, I know he won't be trying to get some lovin' afterwards!
My recent post The Fear Deep Inside of Me
Great story, great response. And the whole sister-wife thing...sometimes sounds like a decent arrangement. This is quickly becoming my favorite blog!
My recent post Boys are pigs
1 reply · active 627 weeks ago
awesome. just plain fuck awesome! This is 10x worse than when I walked downstairs barefoot, stepped in doggie diarreah, slipped and fell in it, then began to dry heave all over the floor when I realized what it was. And just so you know, for some strange reason dog diarreah is more gross cold after sitting on the floor for an hour than it is warm and recently expelled. Who knew?

This was hysterical! And the lacies and stogie... brilliant!
Vicky
My recent post Why I'd like to be one of my kids for a day...
1 reply · active 627 weeks ago
I stepped in cold doggie puke when hugely preggo. Shivers.

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