It was my day to work late, so the DreadBrewer was in charge of bath and bedtime. I got home while they were in the bath and I could hear her giving him a hard time. Normally she loves bath time, but that night she was having no part in it. I helped DB get her lotioned up and in her PJs, kissed her good night, and off they went to her room for a bedtime bottle.
At this point, I thought, “You know? DB has been really
great with the Littlest Brewster tonight. He deserves a treat.” So I changed
into a pair of really tiny lace undies (and nothing else) and grabbed a stogie
out of the humidor. I had some vague notion of lying there suggestively when DB
came out of the Littlest Brewster’s room.
All of a sudden I hear, “Oh shit!! Kristen!!!!” I toss the
cigar on the dresser and run into LB’s room to find…
DB and the Littlest Brewster absolutely covered in vomit.
There is throw up everywhere. And she’s sobbing hysterically and reaching out
for me.
So I grab her blanket and wrap her up in it before picking
her up off his lap. (All the while, DB is looking at me like, “What the hell
are you doing in here in nothing but your underwear?!?”) I’m patting her back
and trying to calm her down while trying to figure out what to do next when…
The Littlest Brewster proceeds to projectile vomit all over
me too.
Now, under normal circumstances, your clothes provide not
only a level of protection between you and the vomit, but also serve to sort of
“catch” it and keep it off the floor. Not so when you’re essentially naked.
I’m standing there, holding a screaming 15-month old, with
upchuck just sliding down my body and onto the floor, next to my husband who is
also covered in upchuck, and all I could think was, “What in God’s name am I
supposed to do now?”
With as much dignity and grace as I could muster, I slogged
from LB’s room, through our room and bathroom, and got us into the shower. Eventually
everyone was cleaned up, toddlers were comforted and put to bed, and large
pints of beer were poured for the understandably frazzled adults.
At which point the DreadBrewer looks at me and says, “Do we
still get to have sex?”
ILBAB says: First off, friend, you are one amazing fucking wife. I told this story to my husband and I don't think his brain got past the part of imagining a woman naked with a cigar. I mean, throwing your hubby a BJ every now and then is like an epic gesture when you are a parent, but your went all out and pulled a Lewinsky.
Secondly, well, nothing. You are amazing. If I ever decide to let my husband take on another wife, you are first on my speed dial. I need a sister wife who can do all the heavy lifting in the bedroom and still sit back and enjoy a brewski with me after. Cheers, bitch.
The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.
