In honor of VD tomorrow, I though I would talk about sex, or moreover, the lack of it in our household.
Right now, I feel like my husband and I are living in a "No Sex" zone. Now, don't get me wrong, we find the time to break off a piece of action every once in a while, but the windows of opportunity are few and far between. Why? Because, as Motherhood: A Descent Into Madness so eloquently put it, "Kids are the ultimate cock-blockers".
So, what makes having sex while being a parent so hard (or not hard, sorry, I had to), you ask?
Here's a breakdown:
During the week:
Yeah right. Like there is any opportunity here with us both working. We wake up with just enough time for all four of us to get ready and scoot out the door for school and work. Then, we come home after a long day's work/play and do dinner, play, baths, bedtimes, etc. By the time we manage to get them both to sleep we are not far from comas ourselves. The last thing we have the energy to do is to rub our naughty bits together until something happens. Because I will tell you what will happen: we will both fall asleep in the middle of it.
During the weekends:
Again, yeah right. There used to be a prime lovin' time window when both kids napped together. We'd have two blissful hours of alone time to get our "business time" on, followed by couch and TV time. It was glorious. Yeah, not so much anymore. Now, The Cool Cucumber goes down for a nap early and The Quiet Contemplator goes down late, it she goes down at all. This schedule leaves nary a minute of nookie opportunity in-between.
So, as you see, the products of my sex life are ruining my sex life. The other day, when The Cool Cucumber was down for a nap, we had to entice The Quiet Contemplator into the basement with a bag of cookies and an episode of Pee-wee's Playhouse just so we could sneak upstairs for a mute quickie with the door locked. It is getting ridiculous.
So, what about you, mamas? What do you have to do to get your parental freak on?
We have a date to bone on Friday night. Immediately after the kids go to bed, otherwise I fall asleep. It may not be romantic, but it's the only way we can guarantee getting laid once a week.
ReplyDeleteBone. Hahahaha. TGIBD. Thank God it's bone day.
DeleteYou said bone.
DeleteBone. I said it again.
DeleteSO glad I am not alone in this! Hubby and I were just saying yesterday, as we were briefly lying in bed trying to ignore the increasingly frantic baby cries from the infant chair turned backwards on the other side of the room after our own "mute quickie" - "Two hours. All we want is TWO HOURS to do whatever we want in bed with no distractions or *potential* distractions." Will such a thing ever be possible again before the kids are grown??? We can't even take a night away at a hotel for our anniversary because I will still be breastfeeding #2 then, and probably for a good long time to come. ...And somehow I would feel awkward asking my in-laws to babysit while we go to a hotel for two hours during the DAY. Ha. (Have I mentioned that we live with them? And that their bedroom is RIGHT NEXT to ours?? Talk about your ultimate cockblocker.) I AM SO TIRED OF HAVING GOOD SEX ONCE EVERY TWO YEARS! Will it ever end!? While we are still young enough to enjoy it? Oh, the despair! *shakes fist at the heavens*
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't know how any of us got knocked up a second time. Seriously.
DeleteIf you think finding time to have sex at all is bad.. How about 2 lesbians trying to get pregnant with 2 teenagers around.. See.. It is a bit more tricky because of the process (since we were doing it at home).. insertion...orgasm..laying with your rear propped up for 45 minutes.. now granted-you can see that we did in fact get the deed done since we have a toddler running around now.. but now with 2 teenagers AND a toddler.. I don't even know what a roll in the sheets is anymore!
ReplyDeleteGood luck, amber! Yay more babies!
DeleteOh no no no... No more babies.. I was just using the past as an example.. I really don't think I could handle another lol! This one has wore all the patience I had left down! lol
DeleteOh. Ha. Boo!
DeleteMmm...pretty much never.
ReplyDeleteYep. Ha.
DeleteI'm 7 months pregnant. The thought of it is just...yuck...yeah, yuck.
ReplyDeleteBe sure to look up my post on 10 signs you shouldn't have sex during pregnancy. Ha.
DeleteRead it...hilarious! I mostly like the part about the Oreo blizzard. :)
DeleteI want that little dog. And the Blizzard...
DeleteWe both have jobs that require us to sit all day, and my daughter is a super easy baby that usually sleeps through the night. By that logic we should be having tons of great sex. I mean, we do okay, but not great. I blame my boyfriend's laziness.
ReplyDelete"Break off a piece of action" - awesome! Thanks for the link up! We do the intense distraction (Bad Piggies works every time) and then lock up the doors method, too. Or after they go to bed at night - my husband is smart and lets me sleep in and cooks and does laundry and shit so that I'm not EXHAUSTED at night... More husbands could probably learn from him. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThey could!
DeleteI just told my husband yesterday, "The most amazing part about people having lots of kids is that they found time to make the little ones." We have 3 and even when they're all laid down for a nap we inevitably get a knovk on the door and an indignant, "WHAT are you DOING??" They have a sixth sense for C-blocking.
ReplyDeleteIt's uncanny isn't it?
DeleteHubs and I had a good run for awhile, the kids went to bed earlier...now they are 10-8 and I am paranoid about them "hearing us". I'm not saying we are screamers or anything, but the more you try to be quiet the more it sounds like you are doing something naughty. I remember coming home as a teenager...lets just say my mom worked from home that day and it wasn't on her usual data entry...ahem. Yuck.
ReplyDeleteIs it sad that I am looking forward to an empty nest? Lets just hope our middle aged bodies will still be in working order!
Cheers.
And if not, there is always Astro glide and Viagra…
DeleteI'm a huge fan of getting up 10 minutes early and checking it off my To Do list for the day. The fact that my husband is, um, a quick finisher helps keep us from being late to work.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, though? Oh hell no. I'm exhausted and have a belly full of dinner and beer/wine - don't touch me.
Don't touch me. Hahahaha.
DeleteThe hubby's a night owl, so once or twice a week he wakes me up (i know what you're thinking, it pisses me off, but no the hubby's talented so it's rarely not worth it) and I'm an early bird so once or twice a week I wake him up!
ReplyDeleteI want to get some sort of award made for you if you have sex four times a week!
DeleteRead carefully, sometimes only twice ;)
DeleteStill a record in some circles. :)
DeleteI have to mentally prepare and plan for it. Like a pep talk. There's a very small window of opportunity on any given weeknight - usually between 9 and 10 pm, when the baby is asleep and I'm not yet comatose. On the weekend, naptimes are great, but I'm looking into the future when I have more than one child and I'm thinking naptimes won't be such a great opportunity anymore. How DO people get pregnant with more than 2 kids?
ReplyDeleteWith a second it isn't so bad since there is naptime for the first. but people who get pregnant with a third are miracle workers!
Deleteyou get pregnant with the second cause the first is still oblivious to the world around it when you are doing the actual getting pregnant thing lol lol
ReplyDeletei guess i am the old timer here - one is 19 and a freshman away at school and the second will be 17 in a couple of weeks and is a junior in high school.
i have one advantage over most of you - my husband works midnights! so for years i have been waking him up most days while he is sleeping and the f*** trophies (as my husband refers to them) are not home. and i will tell you that as my husband and i have gotten older - it has gotten better!!!! married almost 21 years and love him more everyday. we have our dry spells - and we have spells where we just take a chance whenever it arises lol but it does get better!
we have not done anything with our kids in the house for years!!! even though sometimes the kids think we do lol lol my husband has his own room and we don't even mess around in front of the cat and dog lol
i just want all of you to hang in there - you will get your chance back!! as for the one living with your inlaws - i am so sorry!!!!!
Thanks, Kimybeee. And "fuck trophies" might be my new favorite phrase!
Deleteoh no - as if you needed anymore naughty phrases lol
ReplyDeleteIt must take a while to get easier. Mine are 7 and 11 and they are STILL cock blockers.
ReplyDeleteMaybe when their kids are in college it will get easier?
DeleteWe only have one...child that is, but 3 cats that are the ultimate annoyance. Apparently they think we enjoy the audience. Ok, even without the 3, the husband and I decided that we will set aside a day to..you know..bump uglies. It's kinda worked? With a next day off, a nap, and a couple drinks, we'll be on our way. Actually saying/writing it out makes it seem like we have to get each other drunk for any magic to happen. I will clarify, that's not the case. It's just easier to let loose (not down there..only popped out one) and not worry about the day or the next day. To just enjoy ourselves like we did prebaby. Loud music and hilarious conversations.
ReplyDeleteI picture all three of your cats lined up at the end of your bed...watching. LOL!
Delete