Goodbye, dignity. Hello, minivan.

If you follow me on Facebook* (seriously, you should. I am funnier there.), you probably already know my recent shame: I bought a fucking minivan.

Previously referred to as the Shame Wagon, I have decided to name the family truckster Rambone. Partly because Dave Ramsey made me do it and partly because it was painful at first, but after I got used to it, I really liked it.

Meet Rambone.

Though you already know that I covet minivans, it still may come as a shock to some of you that I actually bought one. And for that, I am sorry. Many of you look up to me, and I have let you down. I have fallen into the pit of douchebagery, never to return. I know I may never be able to earn back your trust, but I promise I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying. I understand if you don't want to hear from me.

Riding the Rambone.

What started off as just a little bump here and there to help me pick my kids has spiraled into a full-blown addiction. I promise, just one more hit off those remote-open doors and I will be done for good. Ok, maybe just one more, but only because my arms are full and I can't reach the door. Oh, fuck it. I am a junkie. I am a Honda Odyssey junkie. There, I said it. Wow, it feels good to finally say it out loud. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. Hi, my name is The Beer Bitch, and I am a minivan addict. (Hi, The Beer Bitch.)

Sorry, but that shit is roomy, yo.

*Mark Zuckerberg is a dick, BTW. He wants me to pay him so my fans can see my posts in their Facebook feeds (the ones they SIGNED UP to receive). To give him the finger, go to my page, click "Liked" and drag down to "Show in News Feed". Take that, you wormy bastard.