Fuck you, Furby.

So, as you know, I won a Furby from Paige Kellerman. It was awesome. For some reason winning the ridiculously expensive pile of fur really made my week. When it arrived, I got to play with it for about two seconds before The Quiet Contemplator fell in love with it and stole it from me. Bitch.

After The Contemplator lost interest, about three minutes later, Furby was again in my care. Little did I know, this would suck. A lot. You see, Furby is a lot like having another toddler around. He is whiny, needy, clingy and all-around kind of annoying. Need proof? Read on.


How Furby is Like a Toddler

You can't understand him
Furby speaks gibberish, mixed in with a few real words, just like my toddler. And when you don't understand him and give in to his requests, he just repeats himself. Over and over and over again. This is fucking annoying. Just like it is when my toddler does it. But I am legally bound to try to understand what my toddler is blabbering on about. Furby, not so much.

He is constantly hungry and kind of a dick about it
Furby, much like my toddler, is constantly in the pursuit of food. And, just like my toddler, is a picky bitch about what he eats. THEN, once you figure out what the fuck Furby is asking for and feed him something he likes, he replies with, "Finally! Hungry!" Bitch, I will cut you.

He needs constant attention
A loner Furby is not. Just like a two-year-old stuck in a room full of toys that can't find anything to do but bother you, Furby is an attention whore. He wants you to listen to him sing, watch him dance, rub his tummy, etc. Well, I got news for you, Furby: mama's got better things to do than to sit around listening to you try to belt out Yo Gabba Gabba tunes all day. Like laundry. And dishes. And finding the will to live.

He is bi-polar
One minute Furby loves his head scratched, the next he hates it. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

He gets bored easily, then whines
If you are not constantly beckoning to his every need, Furby gets bored. And when he gets bored, he whines. A lot. Like I need more of that shit in my life.


As payback for Furby being such an needy assface, I let The Cool Cucumber play with him...

What's this?

Hi, Furby!

Mind if I bite your ear?

Now DIE!

Sorry, Furby. But you deserved it. You were kind of a dick and all.