Mesolutions

This year, I resolve to be kinder to myself.

I resolve to stop bullying myself.
I resolve to stop making fun of myself for every little misstep.
I resolve to stop berating myself when I make mistakes.
I resolve to stop calling myself "stupid", "idiot" and "fat ass".
I resolve to feel like I am good enough.
I resolve to feel like I deserve the good things.
I resolve to not feel responsible for the bad.
I resolve to give myself a mommy mulligan when I need it.
I resolve to feel OK doing something just for me.
I resolve to feel worthy of the life I have.
I resolve to love myself.
No matter what.
I resolve to be OK with the fact that I will probably screw all of these up.


Happy New Year, friends.
I hope the best day of your 2012 is the worst day of your 2013.

Today You Are One

Dear H,

The Beginning

A year ago today, you came into our lives, a little ball of pink that was perfection from head to toe. Today, you make us feel complete as a family and make us smile on a daily basis with your sweet disposition.

Your favorite people outside of mom, dad and sis are your morning teachers, Alyssa and Mary. Every morning when I drop you off at school, your face lights up when you see them, and theirs does the same at the sight of you.You are a very lucky boy to have people in your lives who think you are as special as we do.

One Year

We call you Chubby, Budrow Wilson, Buddy Boy and Bubba. Your are little, but mighty. You are incredibly strong and can do things that you shouldn't have the ability to do yet.

You are the smiliest baby I have ever seen. You smile all day, every day. The only time you get mad is when I walk out of a room or walk into one and don't instantly pick you up. You love your mama. The feeling is mutual.

You are advanced far beyond your age, and, I believe, incredibly smart. You seem to understand things that are way beyond your pay grade and are so good at fine motor skills that it amazes me on a daily basis. You were also an early walker and already have a grasp on music.

Thank you for helping me through a year where I needed a sweet little ball of goo like you to help me get through some hard times. You are my tiny rock and I love you.

Love,

Mama

Tis the Season for Regifting

To be sung to the tune, "Deck the Halls".

Tis the season for regifting
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Here's some shit I won't be needing
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
I've got some ugly gay apparel
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
The perfect gift for my Aunt Carol
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Secret Santa is here before us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Time to get crappy gifts that bore us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
I hope this Fubry brings you pleasure
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
I scoured the basement for this treasure
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Digging through last year's passes
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
They're the perfect gifts for lads and lasses
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 
Crappy gifts all come together
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Reflecting the tastes of the bearer
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

After dealing with my brother's murder and finding myself virtually abandoned by most of my friends, I was devastated. The thing is though, most of them didn't do it because they were insensitive dicks. They did it because they didn't know what to do to help me. Rather than say the wrong thing, they said nothing. I get it. I do. Most days.

What I really want to do is help others help people who are experiencing devastating loss not feel as alone as I did. Whether someone has lost a child, had a loved one murdered, experienced a loss to suicide or simply lost their grandmother, they need you. Even if you aren't close, they need you. So be there. For them. Even if they are a virtual stranger. In the long run, strangers were some of the people that helped me the most.

Most of this pertains mainly to tragic loss, but it can help you help someone that is experiencing any type of loss.


How to Help Someone Dealing with Devastating Loss

They may need some space in the beginning.
When devastating loss first happens, it is impossible for the grieving to comprehend what is going on. They have no words and are often just blank inside, erased by what has happened. They may need some time to be able to speak with others. Let them know that you are there for them, but don't be offended if they don't return your call, even if you were very close before the tragedy.

Call. Call again. Then call again. Then call some more.
They may not want to talk in the beginning, but don't stop trying to reach out to them. And trying. And trying. Because by the time they are ready to speak to people and need someone to talk to, most people have stopped trying. And the grieving are most likely not going to call you when they need help. So keep calling and emailing and texting and trying. Because even if they don't pick up the phone, they feel better knowing you are there and that you care.

Understand that their loss is different.
This is one of the biggest things to realize when helping someone deal with devastating loss. No two people grieve the same and there is no greater demonstration of this than when dealing with the tragic loss of a loved one. There are a few things to note on this topic:

• Don't give advice. Unless you have walked a mile in the grieving's very specific shoes, advice can just make them feel that what they are doing is wrong.
• Don't compare their loss to your own. Comparing a natural death or one that happened later in life can alienate someone grieving tragic loss and make them feel even more alone.
• Avoid general condolences. "It was just their time", "God wanted another soldier", "Everything happens for a reason" and other general condolences can really hurt in the case of devastating loss. I found that, "There are no words" helped the most. Because there aren't.

Don't avoid the topic.
Understandably, when someone experiences tragic loss, their friends and family are at a loss of what to say, so they say nothing. This can make the grieving feel that their loved one's life was not important. It also takes away a much-needed outlet for the grieving. It is better to say something than to say nothing at all.

If they bring it up, don't clam up.
When the grieving do bring up what happened, no matter how horrific it was, don't clam up or change the subject. There is nothing more painful than opening yourself up only to be shut down by the person you finally felt comfortable talking with.

Get their mind off it.
Though pretending nothing happened is not the way the go, sometimes going out and doing normal things can help the grieving cope. Things that are a bit out of their comfort level might even help because they have to concentrate on the task at hand and not their loss. So, take them ice skating, or enroll in a painting class. Just include them.

Ask how they are doing.
People are often afraid that if they ask a person grieving a devastating death how they are doing, they will trigger thoughts of their loss. Believe me, they don't need a trigger. They think about it every minute of every day at the beginning, every other minute of the day in the middle, and every third minute of the day after time has passed. All asking will do is show the person that you care. And don't just ask right after it happens. Ask next month, next year, next decade. Forever. They will love you for caring and remembering what they have been through/will always be going through. 

Know that it takes a long time.
By the time the reality of what has happened sets in, most people think that the grieving should be "over it". Give the person time to grieve. Devastating loss is a lot to process. It can take months or years to even understand what happened enough to start grieving the person's loss, let alone if it was a violent or unexpected death. Remember that they will be very broken. Days, weeks, months, years from now.

And because it is important,
Text. Email. Call. Again. And again. And again.
Keep trying. And trying. And trying. Because knowing you are there for them will be the thing that helps them the most.

In memory of John. Wild and untamed. Forever.

The 10 Commandments of Marriage

Thou shalt learn to maketh thine own bed. Thou did lie in it, and thou shalt make it if thou was the last one in it. It doesn't magically make itself every day. I promise.

If thou would like the skidmarks removed from thou's underwear, then thou shalt put them into the laundry hamper. The Goddess does not pick up thou's dirty drawers or socks. (Note to all, do not Google image "skidmark". Ever. Seriously. Shivers.)



Thou shalt not comment on the price of the Goddess' accessories. If you can buy $100 worth of "research material" for thou's fantasy baseball draft, I can sho' nuff buy myself a Michael Kors handbag. End of discussion.

Thou shalt listen. Thou shalt also hear. This means you can not tune out all requests to do household chores with your special "selective hearing" setting. I know your ass heard me the first time.

Before thou met The Goddess, thou was able to sustain thineself through food. Thou must sometimes exhibit this past quality to appease The Goddess. Takeout is acceptable. Actually, you suck at cooking. Takeout is preferred.

If thou wanteth to visit the holyland, thou better pay homage to The Goddess that permits access to it first. Wine and chocolate are acceptable forms of homage.



If thou covets another man's wife, thou will swiftly have thou's penis removed. Lorena ain't the only one who can wield a carving knife.

If thou has not provided sustenance for thine family for the evening, thou has no say in what sustenance has been provided. If you don't like it, don't eat it.

Thou shalt not get out of a task just by doing a shitty job at it. I have fallen for that crap before. Groceries aren't that hard to purchase. Now get thou's ass back to the store and get the light cream cheese. Fat free tastes like shit.

Thou shalt not ignore the Goddess' work orders. The third time I have to ask you to fix the dishwasher, I am putting all of the dirty dishes in your underwear drawer.

Meet the Boozehounds

Now I know a lot of you by reading your blogs, comments, etc. But I realized that you Boozehounds may not know each other. I thought we would do a fun little get-to-know-each-other activity.

Dearest Duchess

Dearest Duchess,

Hey there Katiepoo. Congrats on your womb being filled with the fruits of Willie's loins. It must be some heavy shit holding in the heir to a throne and all. I mean, I was just holding in two babies that people would be all thrilled didn't end up spreading pixie dust on the Tilt-A-Whirl or barking for the yak woman, so I can't even imagine gestating the future king or queen of England. Dang.

Sorry to hear about your morning sickness, BTW. Just because you will literally be hurling at a gilded throne doesn't make tossing your cookies any easier. And having to launch your lunch all day and then have 50 million photogs stalking your every move when you just want to hit the A&P to get some Sprite and Goldfish crackers has to really blow. Do they even have Goldfish in jolly old E-town? If not, I am hella sorry, girl. That shit got me through the first trimester in both of my pregnancies. Hit me up with your addy and I will send some your way along with some two-buck chuck to celebrate with come d-day.

A few tips on staying graceful in the spotlight while your hips spread and your face bloats: 

• Black. All Black. All the time. Seriously.
• Wear the crown everywhere you go from now on. People will be less likely to notice the Dorito stains on your shirt with that bling on your head.
• Always stand next to the queen when possible. Because damn will she make you look good in comparison.
• Get a lot of "future queen/king in training" t-shirts. Because no one else can pull that off without looking like a douche canoe.

Anywho. Congrats on the preggo, sorry your eggo is kind of starting out as a dick/bitch. My second did too and I know how many goat balls it sucks. Don't worry, it will get better. Or not. Either way, hang in there.


PS: I hope the baby gets your good looks. Though Wills used to be the hot one, Harry has totally taken that ball and ran with it while your hubs has gotten kind of long in the face. Don't worry, he was adorable up until five years ago, so I am sure all will be well…


Cheers,
The Beer Bitch