It all started with a stomach virus and has melded into bronchitis. Because just puking and crapping my brains out wasn't enough. I also had to spend the week after that painfully coughing up what I imagine to be important parts of my anatomy.
Anywho. Lucky for you, my monkey pox resulted in the following conversation between myself and ADD Daddy (at least I think it did. I have been kind of hallucinating lately from the lack of sleep/booze the pox have caused):
Scene: Our bedroom around 2 a.m. (don't worry, no "lotion" was present). I wake up to a scary noise and immediately wake up ADD Daddy.
Me: (shaking ADD Daddy) Wake up. Do you hear that noise?
ADD Daddy: Sn4834hvjks89i4nwktgr…zzzzzzz
Me: (shaking ADD Daddy harder) WAKE UP! Do you hear that noise?
ADD Daddy: Zzzzzzzzzzz...WHAT! What? What. What noise?
Me: That scary noise.
ADD Daddy: What scary noise?
Me: The noise that sounds like you are taking one of those ribbed plastic straws out of one of the kids' cups.
ADD Daddy: WHAT?
Me: You know, those plastic straws that are shaped like those Burple drinks you used to get when you played little league when you were a kid. Those were awesome. I used to love those.
ADD Daddy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!?! WHAT IS BURPLE?
ADD Daddy: Are you serious?
Me: Yes I am serious. What is it?
ADD Daddy: Are you SERIOUS?
Me: Yes. And why do you keep asking me that? What is it?
ADD Daddy: It is the sound of you breathing.
Me: No it's not. I am talking about the horrible weird scratchy noise. Wait for it…there it is. Wait for it…there it is again. That noise. You don't hear it?
ADD Daddy: Yes I hear it.
Me: Well then, what is it?
ADD Daddy: Seriously, it is the sound of you breathing.
Me: Oh. Gross.
ADD Daddy: Yes, I know. It is like sleeping with Darth Vader. Now shut up and go back to sleep.
Me: OK. Zzzzzzzzzzz (crackle crackle) Quiet Contemplator, I am your mother.
The end.
Yum, Burple. How did he not know what that was at 2a.m.??
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of them, either, but they seem fun. Maybe it's a regional thing... Or maybe they just didn't give them to lazy kids who didn't play sports.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you swallowed one of the Burple containers without realizing it?
ReplyDeleteThat would totally account for the noise! If so, that bitch has been in there since 1987!
DeleteThis was total greatness. I mean, sorry about your monkey pox....but sounding like Darth Vader is a win. You should take full advantage of this situation while it lasts.
ReplyDeleteSadly, during the day I do not sound like Darth. I sound like a 13-y-o boy that is going through puberty. A lot of sudden pitch changes, overall squeakiness and loss of tone altogether. It is lovely.
Delete"It is like sleeping with Darth Vader." Hee! Love it.
ReplyDeleteDid you at least get the sexy Demi Moore voice to go along with being sick? 'Cause, you know, that might be a fair trade.
Sadly, during the day I do not sound like Demi, either. I sound like a 13-y-o boy that is going through puberty. A lot of sudden pitch changes, overall squeakiness and loss of tone altogether. It is lovely.
DeleteThis seems like a perfectly believable scenario to me.
ReplyDelete