My Saturday in Hell

Saturday was The Quiet Contemplator's first official "friend" birthday party. She has been invited to others, but this was the first one we were able to go to and she was old enough to lose her fucking mind for the three days preceding be really excited about. The party was at a place called Monkey Joe's.

Here is how Monkey Joe's describes itself: Bring your kids to Monkey Joe's fun-filled inflatable play center! Our wall-to-wall inflatable slides, jumps, and obstacle courses will keep your kids active, happy, and healthy.

Here is how I describe Monkey Joe's: the 5th circle of hell. For those of you not familiar, the 5th circle is the one where those who commit wrath and sloth go to. Monkey Joe's fills me with wrath and the place was basically a pit ravaged by Ebola and other disgusting kid diseases, so it seems apropro on the sloth front.

Anyway.

Here is the Monkey Joe's breakdown for kids:
get wristbands.
take off their shoes.
enter blown up pits of snot and fungus protected only by a thin layer of sock.
jump up and down in said sloth-pit until you lose the ability to stand.
go to a private party room (not as dirty as it sounds).
eat cake.
regain stamina and want to bounce some more.

Here is the Monkey Joe's breakdown for parents:
get wristbands.
watch kids jump up and down in germ cesspools.
try to make idle small talk with other parents.
want to die.
go to private party room (much dirtier than it sounds).
watch kids eat cake.
drag  kids kicking and screaming to the car when it is time to leave.
lose will to live.

 

My kid getting taken out by another kid, AKA, how Monkey Joe's rolls.

I was lucky enough to be the parent with the kid that climbed to the top of the tallest blow up slide only to freak the fuck out get too scared to slide down and need to be removed by an employee. Let me tell you the awesomeness of not being able to enter the cesspit (no adults allowed!) to retrieve your screaming toddler all while trying to find an acne-prone teenage manager to help get them down. It is even awesomer 5 minutes later when they still have not hauled their asses up to the top to go get your baby and you are stuck watching your kid cry and looking like a helpless asshole of a mother.

Needless to say, I hate Monkey Joe's. Also needless to say, The Contemplator loves it and can't wait to go back. Balls.