Dear Victoria's Secret Models

Dear Victoria's Secret Models,

Please stop having children. Seriously. Stop. Stop wearing bikinis when you are 40 weeks pregnant. Stop saying you gave birth naturally in your bathtub and it was pain-free. Stop posting pictures of yourself breastfeeding. Stop saying bottle feeding should be illegal. Stop saying you did nothing to lose the weight but breastfeed. Stop running the catwalk six weeks after you give birth. Stop giving your idiotic opinions on child rearing.

Just stop.

Let us normal gals retain just a shred of our dignity after we have a baby by shutting the fuck up about your pregnancies and post-birth experiences/bodies. We get it. You have the genes of a God, never gained a pound while pregnant, shot the baby out like it was a fart and put on your size 0 jeans to go home from the hospital (oh wait, you bitches don't believe in hospitals). Us real women gain 50 pounds, go through hours of grueling labor just to end up with c-sections and pour ourselves into our PajamaJeans to head home from the hospital. So there.

From now on, stay at home with your Tom Bradys and Orlando Blooms from the minute the sperm meets the egg to about a year after your genetically blessed little darling hits high school.

Signed,

All the real moms who want to punch you in the vagina when you go out in a bikini at four weeks postpartum. Bitch.