Kids make you do the darndest (most disgusting) things

Now that I have kids, I am often forced to man up and do disgusting things I never would have dreamed of before I had unprotected sex. Such as...

Poop with someone on my lap
That's right. I said it. I have gone number two with baby number one on my lap before. I am not proud of it, but when your baby is teething, sick, screaming, etc., you do what you have to do to keep them calm when nature calls. I look forward to my kids going to college when I can Finally. Go. To. The. Bathroom. By. My. Self. Again. And jesus christ, close the god damned door behind you so the neighbors can't see me pee! Can't a mama get some privacy up in here? Ever? No? OK. You can come in, but stop trying to throw your Cheerios in the toilet between my legs, OK?

Let another person puke in my hands
Until I had kids, I would have never thought of letting someone else vomit in my hands, let alone encourage it. Now, when a stomach virus hits our house (always with no notice until the chunks start flying) it is often a showdown between hurl landing on the carpet or in my hands. This is only an issue when I can not reach a bowl/trash can/Target bag/cat fast enough, of course. If given the time and forethought, I choose my hands because dumping and cleaning my hands is a hell of a lot faster than getting down on my hands and knees to scrub someone else's vom out of the rug. Shivers.

Pull a booger out of someone else's nose
When there is a bat in the cave, especially one whose wings flap every time the wind blows, something has to be done. Mama has got to go on a search-and-find mission and get her man. Que tweezers and a disgusting game of Operation that no one wants to win. Well…I do. Is it just me or is there something scarily satisfying about pulling a gigantic booger out of your child's nose? The bigger the better, in my book. I feel like I have basically cured cancer when I manage to wrangle a mondo boog out of my baby's nose. Victory is mine! Ew. Wait. Gross. Now I am holding someone else's booger. Maybe not.

Get peed/pooped/puked on
I really never would have volunteered to let someone excrete their bodily fluids on me, had I had the choice. But now that I have released spawn from my loins, I don't. I am basically a whipping boy for any bodily fluids that my children want to hurl my way. Not only that, but whenever they decide to leave any pee/poo/puke anywhere other than the toilet, I have to clean it up. Yeah. That sucks. Why didn't we just get a puppy? At least we could have them potty trained in a few months. Plus, puppies whine a lot less and don't leave their Cheerios all over the house.