Colic My Ass

Hi. My name is Julie (Hi, Julie) and my baby was (and sometimes still is) an asshole. This seems to be a confession no mom is willing to make but all struggling mamas want to hear. The Cool Cucumber was an asshole. He would cry for hours at a time for absolutely no reason. I nearly lost my mind holding a baby who did nothing but scream in my ear until it rang and I literally thought it would start bleeding. Yes, I took him to the pediatrician to make sure nothing was really wrong. The diagnosis the Dr gave us was that some baby's are just assholes and they usually grow out of it. The Quiet Contemplator was also an asshole.

I want to punch the person who defined this type of behavior as "colic" straight in the gizzard. Colic is a diagnostic black hole with no hope in sight. It is a diagnosis meant to give you some hope because it has an ending point but really it just robs you of all hope because there is no cure. Colic IS something. We just aren't smart enough to figure out what yet. Be it some sort of intestinal growth that causes discomfort, some sort of food intolerance or just that the baby really enjoys crying, we need to figure it out.

They now have something called The Purple Period of Crying. It basically just tells you that all babies are assholes and that it is not your fault. That is great, but the Purple Period didn't take the screaming infant out of my hands long enough for me to shower, pee and actually eat something, did it? That would have been super helpful.

I think there should be some sort of support for mamas of asshole babies. How about the Asshole Baby Relief System? The System would involve trained nurses armed with swaddles and earplugs that come to your house and hold your screaming baby while you go out and get blackout drunk with a therapist. Or maybe ABA (Asshole Babies Anonymous)? This one just involves a lot of coffee, metal folding chairs and outright weeping. Or Baby Boxing? This frustration-relief group lets mamas corral all of their screaming babies into one room and be supervised by highly-paid nannies while the strung out mothers take a boxing class with their baby's screaming face taped to the punching bag. I know these ideas are awesome, so don't everyone send their checks at once.