The Confessional

I was kicked out of the Four Seasons for jumping in their bar pool in a cocktail dress at 1 a.m. Twice. This was after I had kids.

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.

The Confessional

I once placed an ad on Craigslist looking for drinking buddies. I only met two women from all of the replies. One ended with the girl going very Single White Female on me, the other is now one of my best friends, after more than six years.

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.

The Confessional

When I was little, I named my dark-haired Ken doll Randy Travis. I loved Randy Travis. He was usually in charge of my ring of prostitute Barbies, which is weird, because I think Randy Travis is kind of religious.

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.

The Confessional

In person, I look just like Molly Shannon. People walk by me every day and yell, "SUPERSTAR!" I really hate it.

Sin from a fellow boozehound: When I was a senior in high school, I flew across the country to visit a friend who had moved to a small-ish town. Wanting to show off my ability to be a classy, big city girl, I purchased a bottle of cheap red wine with my fake ID and proceeded to drink the entire thing out of red plastic cups at her friend's party. We had eaten Vietnamese food for dinner, and  let me just say that Vietnamese food and red wine coming back up can really mess with the plumbing. My vomit clogged the toilet, and rather than fess up, I proceeded to totally deny that it was me who had puked. I mean, I walked out of the bathroom where the toilet was full of barf and claimed that someone else had done it. My friend, being the awesome best friend for life that she is, has never once mentioned that it was pretty damn obvious who clogged the toilet with red wine and Vietnamese food vomit. ILBAB says: Girl, friends like that are few and far between. Hug her and buy her a car. Just don't take her out for Vietnamese...

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.

Postpartum My Eggo Update: Week 6

Things that have happened in the last week:

1. We found out The Cool Cucumber's bottle nipples were clogged and he wasn't getting any milk. To fix the problem, we cleaned them, apparently a little too thoroughly. After the cleaning they were too stretched out and he was being drowned in milk. He went from famine to feast. His Goldilocks nipples arrived yesterday and he is much happier.
2. The Cucumber will instantly calm down if you lay him on the bathroom counter and turn the blow dryer on. He now spends about 23 hours a day in the john. He spends the other hour eating.
3. The other day, The Quiet Contemplator put one of her potty training stickers on her privates. When I asked her what she was doing she said, "I put it on my peanut." Um. OK. But you don't have a peanut. And even if you did, we don't put a sticker on it that reads, "A+ Good job!"
4. I went to get The Contemplator after she woke up from her nap only to find that she had removed her diaper and peed and pooped in her crib. Sweet.
5. I have now resorted to singing mean things to The Cucumber to vent my frustration. Que me singing, "Why are you still fucking crying when there is nothing wrong with you. I am going to give you up for adoption." in a sweet operatic soprano.
6. After I pried some dried mystery object off the lid of the toilet, The Contemplator told me, "That's a booger." I asked, "Is it yours?" She replied, "Yeah." Good to know. Thanks.
7. ADD Daddy and I went to the Ryan Adams concert. His singing Sweet Carolina with an acoustic guitar to a sold out crowd who was completely silent because of the amazingness was mind blowing.
8. We went to the eye Dr for a follow-up visit for The Contemplator. We found out she will need strabismus surgery on her right eye in about six months. Boo.

Postpartum tip of the week: Do the baby tilt-a-whirl. This is an amazing tip to pry a burp out of a reluctant baby. Simply hold the baby to your chest and bend your body to the left, then right, then front, then back. Not only does it help get the gas out of the babe after a few rounds, but it is also a great core strength builder for mama. Bonus!

Funniest Google search that led someone to I like beer and babies this week: baby. like. porn. Yeah. I am not even touching this one.