Advice Under the Influence

Yay! We have our first request for advice. It seems our friend is having a KadrASSian-sized conundrum about getting her sweetie to pop the questions. Read on to learn more.


Dear I Like Beer and Babies:

I have been with my boyfriend for more than a decade now, and we have been living together for nearly that long. I know he has a ring, but I can't help getting mad that wretched gross evil people have gotten married and here I am still sitting on the sidelines. How do I stop feeling like wearing a white dress is a competition that I am constantly losing? Especially when people who are famous for *ahem* get married, make a ton of cash, and then get a quickie divorce.

Sincerely,
Can't Help Competing



Dear CHC,

First off, here is some food for thought: getting married just gives your husband a document that makes it legal for him to fart in public while you are stuck next to him as the women who vowed to stay with him in good times and in bad. Is it really worth the free toaster?

Second, if it has been ten years and you know the ring exists and its location, just start wearing it and telling everyone the good news. Men are very forgetful. Chances are, if you "remind him" of how romantic his proposal was and slip in a few details that sound true to his character--like the fact that he forgot the champagne so he brought Miller High Life instead--he will most likely believe you.

Third, I am pretty sure there is a commandment about Thou Shall Not Covet a Kardashian's Anything. If not, there should be. Also, the "famous" people you are talking about are often only famous for making a sex tape. So, if you are looking to make some cold hard cash off your nuptials, maybe set up a "recording studio" in your garage, find yourself a B-list celebrity partner and you are minutes away from uploading to youtube stardom. (BTW, etiquette guru Lizze Post said that the aforementioned "famous" person should return all of her gifts, so even if you do the quickie wedding, no toaster for you.)

Smooches,
The Beer Bitch

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