Things You Need Before Baby Arrives

You know you are going to need diapers, a crib, bottles, etc., before baby gets here. But there are a few little-known items that you are going to need to stock up on before your bouncing bundle arrives. Such as:

1. 25 rolls of industrial-strength paper towels (to mop up all sorts of baby bodily fluids).
2. A case of Kleenex (to mop up all of the mommy tears you will be shedding).
3. A lobotomy. It isn't necessary, but it will make it much easier to deal with the schmidt you are about to encounter.
4. A hazmat suit. This is about the only way that you are going to walk away from a newborn unscathed by pee, poop, vomit, etc.
5. The fancy toilet paper. If your baby comes the traditional route, you are going to be a little sensitive down there. That Scott's crap is not going to cut it. Do your vag a favor: pony up for the good stuff.
6. A swimming cap. Babies are attracted to mommies hair like flies to fly paper, which is appropriate, because somehow their little baby hands possess the same stick-factor.
7. A case of beer and handle of vodka. I don't think I need to explain these necessities.